I'll love you forever
Tuesday: January 23, 2018.
I woke up like any other day. A little more tired than usual, but we had exciting news we were looking forward to so it was all worth it.
I was 15 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Usually our Dr. does the gender at 16 weeks but with the way my appointments lined up he decided to let us find out a little bit early. We were so glad he did.
Alice and I packed up and headed to the truck to meet Skyler at our gender appointment. We pulled in and Skyler was waiting in the parking lot . We pilled in together, got checked in, and than we started to wait. We got called into the back room for the ultrasound feeling as excited as ever. Initially we wanted to find out at the appointment but Skyler let me talk him into being surprised. So we told the nurse we didn't want to know. She turned the monitor off and got started. The whole time Skyler and I were joking and laughing and just so happy. Saying things like, "I hope if its a girl she will look just like Alice." and "Oh man if it is a boy we are going to be so dang surprised." Moments like these are suppose to be the best and the happiest.
The tech told us she was going to go get the Dr. and would be right back to talk to us about our "sweet baby". I initially looked over at Skyler and asked him if she sounded a little off. We shrugged it off thinking it was just all in our heads. (A week previous I had shared some concerns with Skyler that something just felt off.) Our Dr. walked in and his face said it all.
There was no heartbeat.
The baby looks like it stopped growing at 14 weeks. Devastation set in quick and the tears started pouring down my face effortlessly. I looked over at Skyler immediately and the look on his face broke my heart more (if that was even possible). I couldn't control my emotions. I was overcome with a wave of nausea, I was sure I was going to be sick. I remember asking what the gender was, and the tech started tearing up saying that she couldn't tell. Then another wave of tears came faster and harder. I couldn't believe it. I never would have thought in all my life that I would be that 1 out of 4. My Doctor needed the tech to do another ultrasound so he could see everything. They kindly asked me if I wanted to see this time. In the moment I couldn't help but think how insensitive that was. Why would you ask if I wanted to see my lifeless baby that had been sitting in my body for a whole week at least. So I denied.
I can't help but look back and kick myself.. what I would give now to see our baby one last time. Although it didn't look too much like a baby anymore it was still ours. Skyler and I mixed together to create this beautiful human. There is no point to me sharing this part of my story other than the fact that I regret it and I think about it all the time.
I was given my options. Passing it by myself, being induced and delivering, or having a D&C. It wasn't even a decision to me. I know emotionally I wasn't strong enough to handle my first two options. So a D&C it was. My Dr. said he usually recommends a day in between finding out and the procedure so that you are able to process what is going to happen, which made sense at the moment. Hours later realizing that was the worst decision for me.
The next day was pretty morbid. Morning sickness still in full force. Crying on and off all day. Going to the bathroom and lingering in front of the mirror as I walked out, holding my baby bump and sobbing. Announcing our news so that we wouldn't be asked what the gender was anymore, which led to more people messaging us. Not that we didn't appreciate all of the love and support but at that point everything was a trigger. One of the hardest things for me was knowing that for a whole week I carried a lifeless baby around with me. I can't express how much I wish I would have listened to my gut a week earlier and got checked out.
The D&C came and went and I was home healing. A few days passed and I was still bleeding and passing large clots. So my Dr. got me back in for an ultrasound and told me the baby was bigger than usual and they missed some tissue. Just what I wanted to hear *insert sarcastic tone of voice here*. So I was given some medication to help me pass the rest at home. I don't remember what it was called but I do remember Skyler looking it up at it was the exact medicine you get prescribed for an abortion. Cool. I ended up having to take this for 3 days in a row, and I won't go into too much detail other than I was in Hell. Absolute Hell.
2 days after my D&C my milk came in. Something that took a bigger emotional toll on me than I expected. I had a dear friend experience a miscarriage very similar to mine and she warned me this might happen. Which I'm so grateful for.
Through all this sadness, anger, and frustration I learned a very important lesson. The lord is always by your side. Even when you doubt, even when all you do is ask him, "why me??" He is ALWAYS there. Coming out of this experience I've learned and grown a lot but not a day passes that I think of our little baby. Oh how I miss you and love you. How we ache to hold you in our arms again some day. And we know someday we will.
2 days after my D&C my milk came in. Something that took a bigger emotional toll on me than I expected. I had a dear friend experience a miscarriage very similar to mine and she warned me this might happen. Which I'm so grateful for.
Through all this sadness, anger, and frustration I learned a very important lesson. The lord is always by your side. Even when you doubt, even when all you do is ask him, "why me??" He is ALWAYS there. Coming out of this experience I've learned and grown a lot but not a day passes that I think of our little baby. Oh how I miss you and love you. How we ache to hold you in our arms again some day. And we know someday we will.
We love you so much.
